When siblings don't help with an aging parent: answers for the one doing the caring
From Centis, a free care notebook you talk to.
In a lot of families, one person ends up doing most of the caring for a parent, and the others help a little, or not at all. These are the questions that person asks most, each answered plainly, with the Family Caregiver Alliance’s own words where they help.
The questions
- My siblings won't help with our parent. What can I do?Make the work visible, ask each sibling for one specific thing, and meet as a family. Where they can't or won't, help from outside can fill the gap.
- Why does one sibling end up doing all the caregiving?It's common. The Family Caregiver Alliance says that generally one sibling takes on the main role, often the one who lives closest to the parent.
- How do siblings split caregiving for a parent?By what each person can do, not by equal shares. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests dividing tasks by abilities, life pressures and freedom.
- How can a sibling who lives far away help?With the work that doesn't need someone in the room: finances, paperwork, calls and research. The Family Caregiver Alliance calls it indirect care.
- How do we hold a family meeting about a parent's care?Include everyone who is or will be part of the care, send an agenda ahead, and end with each person knowing what they've agreed to do.
- What if siblings disagree about a parent's care?Expect it. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests accepting differences of opinion, looking for compromise, and bringing in an outside facilitator.
- Is it normal to resent a sibling who doesn't help?Yes. The Family Caregiver Alliance says caring for a parent can reopen old wounds between siblings, and that unequal work is the most common cause of discord.
- What if a sibling refuses to help at all?You can't make them. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests getting help from elsewhere so you can rest, and trying to forgive them, for your own sake.